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So this here is were the Mamsquatch is gossiped about. Clem tolt me about it. I was cought by it twice herebouts. Aint nuthin to meet fer sure and ma wife was angier than burnt varmint.

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Ifen the mamsquatch gets you then y'all gonna stink like limburger cheese.


Tonite me and Bobby Ray is makin a fresh batch o shine at a place sure to be secure from the beast. We is way back off the nearest paved road.
We took an old mine road bout 5 miles into the boonies. We just finished settin up the camp and the still is gettin hot. Bobby Ray thinks it too code for the beast, but I don't believe it.

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Bobby Ray was that you?

I heared sumpthin movin out yonder on the hillside and I got the feelin we is bein watched.

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Get in the truck now. We is gonna skedaddle.

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Hey Clem,

Well the trip to the Sunday preachin was goin well until Sweet had to use the womans room. The one in the church was being redone, sose they had portable outhouse out back fer the people to do their business in.

Well, they are not the double wide kind I have fer Sweet at home, but she managed to squeeze in it anyway. I was a waitin on her when all of a sudden I heard a crash and Sweet cussin up a storm. It seems that when she stood up, she couldn’t turn around and when she tried the whole thing fell over with her stuck inside.

It was the dangdest thing ever. There was this portable outhouse laying on its side and Sweet legs just a kicking and going nowhere with her stuck inside. Well, I had to take a snort of shine seein that, while the preacher was prayin over the whole scene. Finally they tied Sweets legs to a bumper of a pickup truck and managed to pull her out. Praise be!

Later

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I got Jolene a whole sack of them thar small square hamburgers with the onions. She ate the whole thang and a half gallon o buttermilk in no time. Now the cannon is loaded and ready. I'm out yonder in the barn till after the blast is done. I'm afeared she's gonna let off a few megatons any minute. #bloweduprealgood

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Celm tolt me about this place, but I have not seen him here.

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Clem and Cletus both posted on page 1. I caint believe how code it is hereabouts. Jolene lightin her farts is the only thang keepin the shack warm.

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We are loadin the truck to head up yonder in the mountains fer the weekend to make some shine way back on a branch o polecat creek. Jolene made us some vittles to take with us: pork and beans with corn pone and coffee. Bobby Ray thinks the place is haunted but I toll him he's crazy. Anyhoo we soured a whole barrel o corn for the ocashun.

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There ain't a house or traler around fer miles. Here deep in this holler it's already gittin dark. I'm glad we got here early enuff to git set up. We just got the still runnin. Bobby Ray is putting a few lanterns out around the campsite, hanging from trees. I reckon that'll give enuff lite to see ifen the mamsquatch is near. We won't be able to smell her in this wind. I ain't heard of the beast makin a capture in days, so she should be on the prowl.

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What was that? We just heard the loudest howl you ever imagined. It wadnt no coyote either.

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I think the beast is hereabouts.

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We escaped again.

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This here is a video from the beautiful state o Georgia. They say it's a Bigfoot makin that noise but I wonder ifen the mamsquatch was down there?

https://m.youtube.com/shorts/2hSTEVDNZDQ

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Well dees country bumpkins stopped over the house just as we was serving up some porcupine Pie. So we invited em to has sum wit us. They brought out some shine an well that is about all I member at the moment.

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Hey Cletus,

Land O’Goshen! That must have been sum sight with the portable outhouse turned over with Sweet stuck inside, her legs a kickin, you a drinking, the preacher prayin, and then havin her drug out by her legs with a rope and a truck!

I remember one time Earlene done locked herself in one of those things. She started to rock it back and forth until it fell over and when it did, it knocked her into the collection tub with all the poop and pee. She was as mad as a wet hen and stunk too!

Even the dawg took off when he smelled her, which is strange since he likes to roll in poop. I made her walk home cause I didn’t nary want ma truck smellin like her. She too a dip in the creek afore gettin home sose she smelled better then.

Later

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The dogs are barkin like crazy. I think sumpthin is out yonder. I best git muh shotgun.

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It's the beast!

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Billy Bob just accept you fate to smell like limburger for a spell.

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I didn't go out o the house the other night after I seen the mamsquatch prowlin around out back.

Jolene is eatin a can of beans. In a few minutes we is goin to the diner on our way to the meetin house.

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Jolene blowed out a ferocious shart at the meetin house. She left a brown fog in the air fer 20 minutes.

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Hey Clem,

Yep it was quite a sight to behold with Sweet stuck in the overturned portable outhouse. I nary wanted to say it, but I too was sippin some shine wondering how to get that big ole girl out of there. Good thing these two good ole boys came by in their truck with an idea how to get her out.

Youns knows what I means then iffin Earlene got locked in one and then fell in the poop pot. Sweet wouldn’t mind the fallin in the poop pot, but she don’t like tight spaces a lot and when youre as big as she is, they aint hard to find.

Yep, Sweet was a smellin like the outhouse too with all them brown poop and pee stains on her moo moo dress and all. I aint said a word though cause she would get mad at me, then pass gas and I’d be stuck in the truck with the winders up all the way home.

Later

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Howdy Clem, I wish that thar Queen o Rounders would post sumpthin. Maybe she can describe how American outhouses smell different than Dutch outhouses.


It's been coder than normal hereabouts lately so we had the winders closed. Jolene's farts has been brutal, I gotta get her away from the burritos. Imagine the stink of socks, body odor, onions, rotten eggs, and week old dead catfish.

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Where are all the hillbillys?

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We is busy plantin' and fertilizin' the fields. Jolene poops off the back o the truck and her Maw, walkin barefoot behind the truck, stomps it in the ground. We do the same thing with cow manure.

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Hey Cletus,

Sose in spite of the outhouse incident with Sweet it sounds like younz be headin back there for Sunday preachin since Sweet didn’t cuss out the preacher or fart during the preachin like she usually does and gets y’all kicked out of town.

Earlene got a hankerin to go see some snake handlin on Sunday. I donts know iffin her wantin to go see animals get handled or not is a good thing she shes done that handlin with a fish like Sweet does couuple of weeks ago. A snake seems like the next step iffin younz axes me.

Ya know, once time a few years Earlene she accused me and sum of my friends of likin sheep cause one of her friends caught her husband in the barn with one. It seems like the women folk were getting mad about their men not want to consummate with them and blamed it on sheep. Well, one of husbands finally told them it was because they smelled bad and also had a bad smell in their mouths.

later

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A hog from the farm next door done got in muh sour mash barrel and ate the whole thang.

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Anyhoo, soon it's goin be time fer plantin' beans. We grow a bunch o beans hereabouts on account o Jolene eatin so many. It's cheaper to grow our own and her shart has keeps the house warm all year. I just have to be careful not to let her drink buttermilk with beans or her butt becomes explosive like a volcano.